The Sun Will Come Out . . .
Hey look – I managed to figure out how to log on to my blog again! It’s crazy how that works. If I don’t do something often, I forget. It freaks me out sometimes to think that something so simple can be pushed to such deep recesses in my mind that I struggle to access it. Not that it’s such a huge deal. It’s just that it happens more than I’d really care to admit in areas that are a bit more critical than blog access. It makes me wonder if this is how I am at 40-something, what’s going to happen in 10 or more years?!?! I have notebooks with user names and passwords and information to remember . . . sometimes I have a very vivid memory of "I didn’t write that down because I KNEW there’s no way I’d forget it . . . .now what was it!?! Anyway . . . that’s not what this post is about.
This is a big step – this posting of a new blog entry. Life got a little nuts – you might recognize the decline in the last several posts over a month (or more) ago. The desire to stay with it – to keep producing. To have the outlet. But I couldn’t maintain it. I was kidding myself. Kind of like "if my life on the blog looks okay, then my life must really be okay." I couldn’t keep all the balls in the air. So I dropped them. Just about all of them. Very recently when I logged back onto my Facebook account, an epiphany struck. I was trying to think about a status update. I wanted it to say something about seeing the light – being able to take on life with a bit more courage and energy. I had the analogy of a cave in my mind. A hiding place (by the way, I hate caves – claustrophobia and I are pretty tight). And when I started entering the status, it came out as "I’m almost done caving." I’ve been working hard on not caving. Caving as in "giving up" or "giving in." But as I contemplated that status, I realized that I had been giving in – to a large extent. And the strength that I am fighting for, that I am seeking after, is actually the strength I need to just BE. No giving in. No escaping. No caving.
Thank you to those who have continued dropping by to check on me. Forgive me for not responding. I didn’t have anything to say. I still don’t have a lot to say. What needs to work through my system will continue its journey. I will share where I’m able and deal with the rest. And I’ll lose the cave analogy. Spring time will probably help.
See you on the blog . . . and I’ll be visiting some too – as I am able.
Now I have to check my anti-caving sentiment. Can I click "publish"?